There are so many regrets that I cannot forget. Oh so many. And so many faults that I feel I have to carry. I have gradually edged off some of it, but it still bothers me every once in a while. Maybe that's why I try to keep so busy all the time. So I don't have the time to ponder these kinds of things. Consequently, it cuts into my sleep some days, like it's doing right now. I suppose I really do talk big when I say, "Even though there have been so many mistakes, I'm glad that it brought me where I am today." It is true, but I cannot forget those mistakes so easily.

Of course, my biggest regret is what happened with N. I always continue to hope that somewhere out there he reads this blog, but I remember then that I don't even post in it. I suppose I become afraid realizing that it is a possibility that he might just happen to be reading. But what fear is there to have when I've already done so much wrong? What I post here may not be of any condolence, nor may it justify anything I did. It only serves to ease my thoughts, nothing more. And so I write.

If you do happen to read this, I do not ask you to forgive. I say this not as a martyr as I have in the past, but to state conclusions I have come to from going over the situation over and over within my mind. I have concluded before that I had a reason for what I did and reasoned with myself. But I frankly have no excuse for it. I don't and didn't know what I was doing. The thought of you still haunts me often. How I didn't try at all. How when I tried it lacked clear intentions. I just really, really made a mess of things.

I said no when you asked me again. I believe I still stand by this decision. Though I may wish randomly that you come chasing again, it's only a selfish desire to be swept up by drama, nothing more. Often it really is conflict that brings about resolution, anyhow. There was the possibility that it could have worked. I often wonder about what my life would be like if I had taken that path. You said it could work with due time, but it really didn't work before because of time. I was really an impatient person and that's really one thing that I've been changing. And now, there is someone I found that I think I feel for the way you did for me. In some ways, I feel that sometimes I try so hard to make up for everything that I've done, hoping that I can restore some balance to the world. Alas, things don't work that way. But I try.

When we parted, you might have thought you meant nothing at all to me. Do you really think that there was nothing left behind? Every time I browse Borders and pass by John Irving's books, I remember your recommendation. I still haven't tried reading any of his books, but I have The Cider House Rules sitting on my bookshelf from a used book sale. And I started listening to Lifehouse because you sent me "Hanging by a Moment." Of course I had heard that song on the radio, but you were the one that really got me into listening to them. That's only one of the many songs that I really liked that you sent me.

Those are just small ways you've impacted me, though. Overall, I must say that a lot of my life has gone in unexpected directions since our meeting and parting. Not everything has been "good," but I can't say that it has been completely bad either. Anyways, I remember that you said that I had already moved on. I've always been bad at letting go. That still hasn't really changed much. But, once again, I try. And this is one of the ways in which I am trying. If you're reading this, which are chances maybe one in a billion, I truly hope that you are doing well.

Thank you for everything.