I admit I run away from my problems all the time. Whenever I get an emotional problem or something, I go to DDR or I literally go running. I want to run and run until I'm too tired to feel sad or anything. Sadly, I don't do that because I'm not that athletic. Then I take a shower afterwards and everything's fine. If not a shower, I go to sleep and wake up with everything fine. I don't stay to solve anything. Though maybe I do end up resolving things as best as I can. It's still not the way I should be facing my problems. I realize that, I just need to work toward changing it now.

The past hurts... I started talking to a guy I used to be pretty good friends with again. I lose touch with people really easily because I always wait for other people to talk to me first. I should take the initiative, there's nothing saying I shouldn't and nothing telling me I don't want to. Maybe a slight reluctance, for no reason I could possibly understand.

But in this case, it wasn't just that way, I guess. Other circumstances too, our past relations. I can't change it back to what it was before, I understand that very clearly. It still kind of bugs me though... He's younger than me, but he acted like an older brother and a good friend. He's irreplaceable to me. Now I want to be an older sister to him and still a good friend. I've almost forgotten about how it used to be and it's the same for him.

If I was a religious person, I'd go to confession with a priest? Maybe. Bless Me Ultima was a good book. I'm not a religious type, though. I used to go to a Christian daycare with bible study and praying before meals, etc. But slowly that faded out of my life. I believe in a god, or someone there, but he only gives us the choices, it's up to us to choose. And he watches.

Haruki Murakami tends to write about sex quite a bit. Dance Dance Dance is about a guy looking for this call girl that disappeared while he was staying with her. That's only the basic summary though. Even so, if you tried reading the summary on the back, you'd get a thought similar to: "What kind of book is this?" I might've been attracted to the book just by its title, I don't know. Also, it's kind of ironic, I guess. I'm a prude (yes, I admit it) and yet I like his books. I do get an odd feeling when I read through these sections, shivers up my spine or something to that effect. It scares me, it does.

On another note, there isn't much school left. This whole year flew by, more changes to come next year. Once again, more classmates and friends are leaving. I can't say that I knew them very well, but I only realize how much I miss them. I lose touch so easily and keep moving on, losing things bit by bit. I have to change that. Plans for summer: study for SATs, SAT IIs, and do summer homework for AP classes. And maybe some self-study stuff for AP Bio or some Japanese studies. I do need some time away, though. My mom mentioned staying with my sister while they're gone to Europe. I need to ask Sis about it.

- Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami
Translated from Japanese by Jay Rubin

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I heard from my friend when this guy first starting trying to get her attention. He would pop up with random gifts and surprises. When she told me this, she sounded somewhat exasperated and tired of it. But then she goes to Winter Formal with him and starts dating him. I guess it's not surprising that girls do that, they "complain" to others about their boyfriends. Maybe we think that it would create some envy. And sometimes it succeeds. I'm truly happy for her, though. I talked about him to her today and she did the same thing. However, I feel that I should try to avoid talking on the subject. After all, he's a senior and he's graduating in only a few more weeks. She might not look it, but I know she's feeling sad inside. Or I could be over-analyzing it all. Either way, I want to be here to support her.

To be honest, I didn't think of the above until just after I typed the excerpt from the book. It just struck me as something similar I heard in daily life. I guess I do know some girls that want guys like that. I know I might have at one point in my life. What the author wrote in the above, I sort of understand. Devotion? Maybe it is. I don't want to be worshipped though. Love isn't that kind of thing to me, though I can't say I can understand what love is still.

Talking about past stuff with someone special, it makes me wonder. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel that way about him, but he certainly means a lot to me. So he was talking about how we first met and we've both pretty much forgotten. The time we spent together has also been forgotten for the most part. I remember though, it was warm and I was happy. I think he felt that way too. I really feel bad about it ending so abruptly, but I don't know what else I could have done. So now it's hard to talk to him because I screwed things up. I really hate it. Twice in a year.

After watching FMA and for a while, I've been thinking about equivalent trade. Something lost to gain something of equal value. Something like that, it's simple and yet complicated at times too. I don't know if I'd want to live in a world with that principle. However, I used to believe that everything would balance out in the end. I might still believe that, I might not. Still, was/is it too optimistic?

A friend of mine was talking about how his other friend was saying that female drivers are bad drivers. I don't remember the full jist of it. However, when I think about it, both my instructors have been male and none of my friends mentioned having a female one either. But at the DMV, there were quite a few females working there. Also, another friend of mine said that it's harder for females to learn to drive. I think that's true to some extent, maybe. Perhaps it's because guys are so hyped to drive.

It's not that I don't want to drive, exactly. It's fear and some other things. I have to learn sometime, though, and starting earlier isn't too bad. As I've said, "It's okay to suffer a little more when you're still young." Something to that effect, anyway.