&. April 04, 2005  

I've been thinking about an essay prompt over the whole entire weekend. That could just be what's getting to me, but I don't think so. Either way, it's the usual ups and downs, which people will always have throughout life. Things seem unfair so much of the time, but I believe that it comes out balanced in the end. Maybe that's a bit too optimistic, I don't know. I'm not really an optimistic person; it comes out sometimes, though.

In Lit, we read The Stranger, so we were discussing absurdism and existentialism. The prompts given to us for our paper that's due next Monday are also about those two topics. So I was thinking on it for the past weekend. While I was doing things, it was still in the back of my mind and I understood what it meant. I did a little while ago, with Jenn's help too. I don't know what I'd do without her.

~ Remembering the cherry blossoms @  8:15 PM

&. April 11, 2005  

When I was little, I used to keep a journal and when I read it a little bit ago, I thought of how stupid I was. The stuff I wrote was pretty embarrassing and kind of pointless. However, I was a little kid, and I guess it was okay to have been that way. Maybe I miss being able to be like that. Either way, I thought of keeping a journal again, but paranoia always causes me to think about what I'd do if someone found it and read it. Also, I just wouldn't know what to write.

I don't know why I wrote the above; it just came to mind. I guess that's how I feel about this blog sometimes. I don't want people to read it because it's so much more personal than my Xanga or Livejournal, which aren't always non-personal either. It's more of the feel to them. This blog contains more of my thoughts while my Xanga and Livejournal have more casualty to them. Over time, I've come to not care who reads this and who doesn't (I'm not trying to offend those that do) and not let it influence what I decide to write. Those who are interested will read, those who aren't won't. And I decided to leave it at that.

I thought today that it would be nice to be mute, to not have to try so hard to figure out what to say to people. It would also be sad though, unable to communicate properly with people and I wouldn't be able to sing. We take so many things for granted. I live in a nice house, I have an easy life for the most part. Yet I'm never happy, because I'm human and I want everything and nothing at all. I put blame on being human so much that it makes me hate it inside. I also blame wanting attention on it. Writing all of this makes me hate myself inside, too.

Life seems such a drama. Fights between friends, it happens. We make up in the end, but even the small things don't fade. It'll continue to build up. It's true, I let people walk all over me. It's not what I want, but I wanted to please everyone. Though I understand it's not possible, I still try. Pointless as it may be, I hope that someday people could understand. It's just a passing feeling, I'll wake up tomorrow and it'll be fine. The only thing that scares me is the thought that it won't be okay like that one day.

~ Remembering the cherry blossoms @  8:09 PM