Why do I bother getting up in the morning? It's cause I have to. Then I have to go to school and have to do homework and I'm expected to learn. Why don't they just say it straight and plan? "You go to school to see other people better at you and to hear 'you suck.'" I'm bitter. Bitter for being how stupid I am and having no motivation whatsoever to become greater, then hating those that are. I'd like to excuse myself for ranting at this point.

If everyone could do what they wanted to, not all would be doing what they are right now. Would those people in APUSH still be taking it? I guess a lot of them would... Ever since freshman year, I've been thinking, "I'm going to die junior year. I'm going to take those classes." Now that it's almost time to choose classes, I don't want to anymore. I'm a coward and I have no motivation to push myself harder to meet the standards. I can't write any essays, all of mine are horrible. That essay we just did in history today, I don't think I failed because our teacher gives a minimum for how much effort you put into it. That's not going to happen next year if I take APUSH. If.

I finally noticed yesterday that the only class I ever push myself in is PE. I'm not athletic, yet I try really hard. Does that mean if I start failing my classes, I'll try harder? It worked like that for math, I suppose. After failing a test, I started to work a bit more. Either way, I need to find my motivation now. It's time to give up being a lazy bum. In the end, it's not possible to have fun as you want to and still get the grades and everything.

I've never really noticed how much smarter one of my best friends was, too. I've always known that she's way smarter than me, but now I know the huge gap. I guess I feel pressured because I don't want to be left behind. It's probably inevitable though. I slack off so much more than she does and have fun. However, she gets good grades and she earns them through hard work. It's better to be miserable now and happier later, but...

Then, it bothers me a lot that I don't know what I want to do. Maybe that's why I'm so unmotivated. At a potluck, my mom was telling her friend that I was only going to school for the grades and didn't know what I was interested in. It's true. Then today, my friend was giving me the college lecture in choir. "You have to know what you want to do, otherwise what are you taking these classes for? And if colleges see that you have an undecided major, you're chances will be lower. They'll be like 'uhhh.'" I don't blame her for saying what she did; I wouldn't be surprised if it was true. I just don't know.

It's hard to change things somewhat back to what they were. Until recently, it was really awkward talking to one of my male friends. I don't have many either. I can only really count two and I haven't been keeping all that much contact with them. There used to be something there, now I just feel like I'm subconsciously distancing myself from them. I feel like that in a lot of cases now, maybe.

I remember back in 7th grade, I sat with the same group everyday for lunch and hung out in the group most of the time. Then in 8th grade, I wandered around a lot. During lunch and brunch, I would walk around and visit/talk to different people and different groups. I just wasn't quite settled. After starting high school, I've mostly stayed in the same group. It's quite big, I suppose, but it's slightly divided into two. There's the smaller/inner group and the larger/outer group. I'm part of the majority. That's where most of my friends are. The two male friends I mentioned are in the other group. We were one group last year, though.

Also, last year was the year I hung out with one of my two best friends. We carpooled and also had some classes together, so I guess it was natural we hung out more. This year I hang out with my other best friend more. Since I've started walking home, I've been hanging out with her after school, as well as walking with her. We also have one class together. Sometimes I feel distant from one of them or the other, I guess, but there are still some things no one else will know except them.

Just thinking, ne? It's one of those times where things you've done or things that used to be come back to haunt you. It makes me sad... because you can't please everyone. And I understand that well now.