These two words truly confuse me and make me feel lost right now. I probably use "always" lightly, but I suppose I've never really used the word "forever" seriously before. I can say that I don't know how to use it properly because I wouldn't know if I really meant it or not. And these two words are most oftenly applied to things related to love.

"I wish we could be together forever." When I hear that sort of line, I just feel somewhat chained down. It's like I'm expected to care for one person and only that one person. Of course I will, but I care about everyone and not just one person. Although it's a bit more than that, I'm not quite sure how to phrase what I mean. The word is dangerous, as well. As my friend said: "It's like a cliff just waiting for you to fall off it."

I think I've come to accept that things change and nothing lasts. However, I'm sure at one point I believed that things could last forever. I always thought that things could stay the same. My friends and everyone around me, I thought they wouldn't change. But a person I know one year is a stranger to me the next. I've gotten used to it by now, meeting people and then knowing nothing about them in a blink of an eye.

I feel that I'm really lucky, though. I have two friends I can call "best friends" because I've known them for so long. One of them I've known since kindergarten, so that makes it 11 years next April. Another I've known for about 6-7 years. The three of us continue to change as time goes on, but there's a connection between us that I feel won't break. It's "forever" in a sense, but not. We change; we don't stay the same. Yet there's the same connection.

I can't pretend that I know everything because I know I don't. And I can't pretend that I don't make mistakes because I already have. I try to correct these mistakes and sometimes I'm successful, sometimes I'm not. Either way, I know I have to live with the result. And though I may not know everything, I'd like to help people as much as can... to prevent them from making mistakes that I know they'd make.

These are my morals. I would offer anyone my help if they were willing to take it. And no matter what, I'd put my best into it because every little bit would make a difference to someone. Isn't that a reason to live? Making a difference for someone else. But not all life is about living for others. I know I don't like to be selfish, but there are your own reasons for living.

Whether it is to be loved, to get a good career, to get a good education, each person has their own dreams, wishes, and hopes. Isn't that enough for you? It's true that pain exists and it exists everyday. There isn't a single path to happiness without pain. It is because we feel this pain that we know we're alive and we know we're who we are. This pain reminds us of many things that only we ourselves know.

Beneath every smile, every laugh, there may be a hidden pain you don't know of. And you wouldn't know because I'm sure everyone has it. Even you do. Maybe there are some people that realize your pain. So trust those people, believe in them. Sometimes the pain is to hard for only you to bear. You don't always walk alone... maybe at the end you do, because you've finally reached your destination, which isn't the same for everyone. It's like how I walk home; I walk with my friends until they get to their houses and then for the rest of the distance, I walk alone. But I know that I didn't walk alone the whole time.

However, unlike math, life isn't that logical. You can't solve life's problems like a math problem. When I can't solve a problem, I can't just skip it like that. Maybe I'm slowly learning how to deal. Or then again, maybe not. People talk about all the stress coming from school work. And it often does. For me, homework or studying isn't the case... it's family problems.

Sometimes I feel that our family is so scattered. We're not really together in a sense. I mean, we're connected in that family way, but it's not like heart is there. I guess that's not exactly how I should phrase it either. I do love my family, and I can even say I love my brother. It's not necessarily that I have to, though it's a lot of it, I suppose. I remember when my mom would lecture me about the way I treat my brother and the "He's your brother, after all." She even said to me, "Why can't you treat your brother better? I've seen the way you treat your friends." How should I respond to that? I will never be able to treat him the way I treat my friends. Or even similar, maybe.

So when I think about meeting my sister, I just can't help but hope that even one hug from her will make everything better. It's selfish, I know... she's my one rival, my one friend, and most importantly, family. I can't say that it's that I don't feel loved within this house. Everyone's just busy with their own things. I try to be busy too, to try to cover up the problem, if even just a little. Something like, "There's nothing wrong, everything's just fine." But I know, inside, that everything's not fine, and that I need to do something about it. Me.

I know that I'm a bad sister. I understand that I'm supposed to take care of my little brother. But what can I do if I don't even have authority? If my parents are away, he does whatever he wants. And when my parents are here, they take his side. I can't help but feel that it's wrong, even if it's true that I'm older and should know better. Both my brother and I are stubborn. That's the problem: neither of us will give in. So I choose to do so, only because it's what I have to do. Maybe one of these days, he'll give in. It's not likely to happen anytime soon, though.

Perhaps it's not just my brother. I can't even seem to please my parents, mainly my dad. My mom works late and it's usually my dad that's home. Last week, my dad lectured me about how I had to get prepared each morning earlier so that we aren't late to pick up my friend. "I have to get up early to send you, so I expect you to be ready. Maybe you need to get up earlier or something if you can't be ready on time right now." Something to that effect. I bit my tongue and took it.

So last night, my dad said, "Oh, 7:10 tomorrow." I know that it wasn't that we were leaving at 7:10, but I hopped on the car at 7:10 this morning anyway. It was really my fault and, when I got lectured, I said I was sorry. He replied, "Don't say sorry to me, tell your friend that you're sorry we're late." After my friend got on the car, it was "sorry we're late, it was her fault, not mine" in a sort of laughing tone. Everything has to be my dad's way and I'm just not what my dad wanted, I guess.

They don't understand how I try to impress them. Which I never will, because that's the way it's intended to be. I can't do the things my sister did. I can't even do things enough to meet their standards. I suppose that in the end, I became the lazy bum that I am. I do my homework and everything, but other than that, all I do is sit in my room in front of my computer. I still care about my grades and tests, though it means less to me than it would if they cared. When I bring home my report card with my A's, they give me the "that's great." They probably mean it, yet I know that it truly wasn't enough.

Whenever I bring around college while talking to my mother, it's just putting myself down. They want me to go to Stanford or something. Not so they can brag to their friends, I understand that much. I know them well enough to say that they're not that kind of people. They'll be proud and they'll say it with pride, but they won't brag. And I don't want to shame them either. Where will I end up in the future?

And my friend got mad at me today, even if it was only for a short time. I actually cried though... It made me realize how much I rely on others. I always want to be independent, but it's reversing on me now. She's my best friend, one I can tell things, one I can trust with almost everything. I may not be the same to her, but she is this to me. So when she got angry with me, I understood how alone I was. Although I've finally starting trusting others and believing in them, I can only really depend on myself, in the end.

Another friend tells me, "You should let it all out, don't bottle it up inside." I do bottle it up. Though I consider going bad-ass and rebel, I'll never get around to it. I really don't want to cause more problems for my parents. I should be thankful for what I have. I'm only asking for more and more every single time...

Sometimes I think that during these days, I just tell myself I'm hungry and shove food down my throat. "I'm okay, I"m okay." And then I feel sick from the food and it repeats again. I eat to try to fill some emptiness. I eat to show people I'm okay. I smile and act normal. At night, I go to bed. I get away from the world in my sleep. I haven't remembered a dream in a while and maybe that's a good thing. Everything blank... no problems, nothing. And I hope that I don't wake up.

My brother was nagging at me to buy him something in a game and well, I decided that he should learn how to buy his own stuff. He started sitting in my room, threatening to steal some of my possessions. He tried to steal a pack of Ramune candy that I got from my sis and a pack of my favorite Trident gum, but I grabbed it back on impulse, putting them in my pocket. Then he threatened me by saying he would steal my favorite stuffed animal... It just means a lot to me and I couldn't handle it anymore. So I left the house for a jog.

The first place that came to mind was my old elementary school. You could see the stars well from there; I remember because there was this one Halloween where I went there with my sister and her friends. Well, I really like to look at the sky and stars. It inspires me or comforts me... whatever you'd like to say it is. So I ran there and sat for a while. Then I went to the park to go on the swings. Next I ran across the overpass to the other park.

When I got off the overpass and was in the park, I noticed that all there was in my pocket was 4 pieces of the gum. The rest and the Ramune candy had fallen out of my pocket as I was running. So I retraced my footsteps and found the whole pack of Ramune candy just as it was wrapped when I dropped it. As I continued walking, I picked up pieces of gum that were still intact and wrapped. I don't know, but I just took this as a sort of sign. I don't believe in God for personal reasons of my own. But maybe I believe that someone is watching us.

You'll always lose things, but you regain them somehow. Not all of what you lost, but maybe some of it.

I guess it was kind of silly, though maybe I learned something.

I remember how our librarian and teachers used to encourage us to read and build up our imaginations. Something like: "In your imagination, you can be whatever you want, a wizard, a hero." Not exactly those words, yet to that effect. And as I read books, I was reading the products of others' imagination. So I aspired to be a writer. I wanted others to read what was of my imagination.

In my imagination, I always wanted to be a hero. Someone who is able to help others and that's my wish even now. But it's more of a realistic wish now, I suppose. Either way, I think that's why I really liked Sailor Moon and even do now. She isn't one of those "perfect" heroines/heroes. She's like a normal person, but she tries her best with her powers. She really does become strong though.

I guess I got sort of a "pang" when someone called me strong. I know I'm not. I suppose that is one of my wishes too. I want to be stronger, to be able to deal with problems instead of running away like I'm still doing now. I want to be strong enough to be able to say what I feel without fearing what others will think. I want to be able to stand up for myself, to have a little pride in what I do and not to take insult from what others think. And most of all, I want to be true to myself. It feels that I've been lying to myself for a long time.