School: I've never worked hard and I still don't. I should regret it, but I don't. I said I would work harder and there are many things that motivate me to try at least somewhat harder. Yet even though I've vowed to work harder this year, I want to chuck everything out my window and do whatever I want. I don't study and care as much as should; however, I still worry about my grades. If I act like that, why do I worry? I know they should be bad and it's my fault if they are.

Siblings: I used to say I hated being the middle child because I never got as much attention as I wanted, but I kind of like being the middle child. I was able to grow up with both of my siblings. With no large gaps on either side and memorable times. I've been both a younger sister, which I'm sorry to have been such a pain, and an older sister, which is a role I've never played well.

I don't think I'll ever be able to tell her in person that I'm sorry for all the things I've done, but I hope that she understands that I really do love her a lot. And she's the one person I'll always look up to. We've took piano lessons, ice skating lessons, and many others together. She was always better than me at a lot of things, but I think that I can finally say that I'm not her and shouldn't try to be like her. But then, what's me?

And though my brother's a pain in the ass, I have to say that I'd like to get along with him before I leave the house. I think he's really a good person at heart. We watched this movie over the summer and I'm really sensitive, so I was crying at one of the romance scenes. I noticed my brother was looking at me and he was crying too. After that, we just kinda wiped our eyes and went back to watching the movie. Then, when we left the theater, neither of us said anything and it felt as if I understood my brother a little more that day.

Parents: Well, what can I say? I love my parents as much as anyone else loves theirs. My parents are busy most of every day, at work; my dad gets home around seven to eight in the evening and on the days my mom has work, she doesn't come home until ten or eleven. Also, because I leave early in the morning, I don't get as much of a chance to see my mom at that time. They've always worked really hard. When I was little, I was sent to a daycare center in the mall. There was a large window that looked out into the mall and I remember pressing my hands against it and looking out, waiting for one of my parents to come.

I'm not agreeable with my dad all the time. He tells me to run on the weekends, which makes me irritable because it's a weekend and I want a break from everything. It causes a bit of a conflict; neither of us will relent. In the end, I do go, since I feel I'm acting a little too selfish. I really remember spending a lot of time with my dad, though. He used to take me out to the skating rink at the mall on weekday nights. I would skate for maybe an hour or two and they would turn off the lights at a time, with laser lights going around the rink. I do love my dad and wish I could do a lot more that pleased him.

My mom, she's been there for me. When we read the Joy Luck Club last year, it made me realize that there was so much I didn't know about my mom. If you asked me what kind of person my mom is, I'd say things like "she's kind." But then, I can't say I don't know anything about my mom. It's more like I know, but I can't explain to others in a way that they could understand.

I used to think my dad thought I was stupid because he never showed that he was proud of me. And everytime he talked with other parents, he would say things that made me feel like I shamed him in some way. I was just young and I didn't understand. It's just the way of being humble, doing things the "Chinese way." Also, this year, I signed up to take the PSAT next week. When I was talking about it with my dad, he said, "I think you'll do okay." It made me really happy hearing that because it was a sign of recognition.

And I could probably talk a lot more about things, but I wouldn't want to bore you too much. :) At the moment, I'm reading: The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck. I've kind of gotten back into reading a bit and there are so many books I'd like to read.

That's also another thing: I've been thinking about what I want. What do I want to do with my life? Everyone says, "There's still two more years till college." Two years isn't a very long time, even I realize that while wasting everyday away. I said I wanted to major in philosophy... haha, I'm probably joking, but I have no clue. Today, in Japanese, sensei talked about a program where they're offering ten full scholarships to study in Japan for a year. It sounded cool and I'd really like to go, but there's the problem of actually getting the scholarship and also, skipping junior year. In the end, I was only hopeful. I have to place duty first and personal interest second, right?

April 2004... I will never forget. It's when things changed. I don't know what exactly it was, but I lost something that day, that time. It never returned and I don't know if it will. I don't think I've liked another guy since then; I mean, like, not necessarily love, but like in that manner. I don't know what love is. People could call me a guy-hater, I guess. I haven't started dissing guys like one of my friends does, but they just somehow disappoint me a lot.

I really do have respect for guys, though. They're the ones that truly suffer in silence. They're the ones that truly have a lot to deal with. Girls are frustrating, even I frustrate myself. Guys are truly strong, not just physically, but mentally as well, yet I probably wouldn't know. So I hold a great respect for them. I wanted to be a guy a long time ago, maybe.

And I've begun to realize how fickle words are. You can never manage to express what you want to say with them, nor how you feel. I can say that I always have trouble expressing myself now and even though I can't say it properly, I can say things like "I understand" and "thank you." But that doesn't convey completely what I want to say. I got an e-mail a couple of days ago and as I read it, I really did cry... because I had so much I wanted to say to that person and I couldn't word it. Finally, all I could really say was "thank you."

And there's something I'd like to say to those of you who I know, both in real life and online, though not all of you would read this.

Please watch over me, always.