I've found that who I like is really obvious. My friends all think so. One of them said I was obsessed with him last year. I can't find that really possible because there was a period of time when we didn't talk to each other. I've already forgotten why. Another one said that I'm with him all the time. I didn't tell them that I liked him, but they all know. Except for the guys, most of the girls know. Like, one of my guy friends, he didn't know until he found out. Then he was saying, "It's weird how much you know about him, the same way I do."

I'm happy that I have such good friends and I wish I could be a better friend, as well. They're working so hard to cheer me up. Two of my friends told me the story about a guy who liked this girl and the girl liked the guy. They were really good friends. The guy went to the girl's wedding and never knew she liked him until they read her diary at her funeral. My friend says she doesn't want it to end up that way for me.

During volunteering at the museum, she was saying how stupid he is, not noticing me and liking someone that will never like him back. I was studying for Japan Bowl at the moment, so I was saying how it was like the idiom, "The bottom of the lighthouse is dark." (Toudai moto kurashi.) Sensei used a similar example when she explained it during our study session. A certain guy liked a girl that sat on the other side of the classroom, but never noticed how nice the girl that sat next to him was.

I'm amazed that I actually wasn't bored in Bio today. We did this plant lab, where we take care of snippings off of another plant. We potted the cutting and watered it, etc. I was very amused while decorating the styrofoam cup. Also, everyone was naming their plants. The person sitting next to me named his "Moo." ^^;; I named mine "KiraKira" because the leaves are sparkly. It's really pretty. :D

More about my "crush." I put quotation marks on that because I'm not so sure. The warm feeling that was once there has died out. I don't know how I feel anymore. He's still really important to me, but I think the way it's directed has changed. I keep wondering about how it could've been. However, lately, I've been finding out things I never knew about him before. There was once when he really scared me. It's like falling in love with a person, but not knowing of their shadow. Or something like that. I'm not good at these types of things.

Then, I've also been thinking about the girl he likes. Though she's not a really close friend of mine, she's a friend and I can't come to hate her. I just can't help thinking about why he likes her. The conclusion's always the same. I tell myself to stop thinking about it. "People like who they do and that's all there is to it" is what I try to keep in mind. It's not like I had a reason for liking the people I did.

I want to know when I will be able to discard these could've beens. It's hard for me to let go of these things. I dwell on things past too often. Maybe that's why I get so lost in the present.

I'm going to be alone on V-day. Not even with a friend. -_- I have volunteering tomorrow and my friend is ditching me. She's going to visit her sister in LA... I wish I could do that too. ;_; Unfortunately, parents have to work next week and are too lazy to drive down there. I can't blame them, really. I wish I could go visit my sis too, though.

My Friday the Thirteenth turned out pretty good. I don't think there was any bad luck, but who knows. The other two Japan Bowl team members kind of ditched me at lunch today. One of them came late, but the other completely forgot to go. Then, the teacher said, "Discuss what you're going to study over the break." I was like, "Um... I have no one to discuss with." XD And she kept calling me Tiffany too.

What sucks is that I found out that my Muvo can't plug into my computer's USB port because it doesn't go all the way in. There's like the computer plastic frame blocking it; the port is in a centimeter gap. Luckily, it works on my dad's computer and I can see my computer on the network. So it's just that I have to go to my dad's whenever I upload stuff. I feel kind of sorry for my dad. His computer is always getting stuff installed on it. All my brother's games are on there. He doesn't use the computer in his room because he claims it's messed up.

Then, afterwards, we went out for dinner as a sort of Valentine's Day celebration. Weird, huh? We were planning on going to Red Lobster, but we called and heard there was an hour or two waiting time. So we decided to go to a good ol' Japanese restaraunt. :D While we were eating, my parents were all saying how I should say something in Japanese. We ran out of water, so they were telling me to ask for it. When the waitress came back with the bill, my brother wanted ice cream. My mom told me to ask for it, so I was all like, "Aisu kuriimu wo kudasai...?" And we ended up with green tea ice cream. XD It was good though.

First day of break, yay. :D I'm somewhat bored, not really. My dad woke me up at 9:30 in the morning for no reason. T_T I was already partially awake, but I wanted to go back to sleep. He knocked on my door while calling my name. I got up and walked outside to ask what he wanted. He was all like, "You're still asleep?" I'm said, "Well, ya, it's break..." He had today off, so he was home with us. He's kinda persistent sometimes. Actually, I think the sometimes is an understatement. Oh, well. For lunch, we had his cooking, which I call "cleaning out the freezer." He burned it. It had corn. The whole area had the smell of burnt popcorn. It tasted okay if you didn't smell it. His cooking isn't bad, though. He just needs to watch the stove. Going to answer the phone with the stove on isn't a good idea. Especially if you're going to be on the phone for quite a while.

About reading books. I remember when I used to be such a bookworm. At elementary school, I was always hanging out in the library. Now, I seldom read. It's only times we're on vacation, away from home that I bring a book with me and read. I wonder where it went. Maybe it's because I'm too into manga, anime, and video games. ^^;; It kicked out all the time I had for reading. No wonder my vocabulary sucks. -.-;; I must read more often.

In the same way, I had a small dream of becoming a producer. I wanted to produce cds that people would listen to and enjoy. This dream for me had no possibility because I knew nothing about this kind of thing. I wonder how producers feel when the artists are famous. Are they fans of them too? Do they listen to them too? Do they even care about the artist at all? I would want to be someone that the artists would go to if they needed someone to talk to. I would be on the same level as their other fans, not someone up higher. It is the artists that work to make the songs, not the producer. They have the talent, not you. The producers make the cds. I'm sure they're happy when the sales are good. But do they care about the people?

Everything in this post may be "I want, I want." Only that, nothing else. But when do you finally get the things you truly want? You have to work for them, for sure. I don't know how to work to obtain them, when I know absolutely nothing. Yet, they say, "Where there is a will, there is a way." This will isn't found easily, neither is inspiration for a painter with a blank canvas. I want to know, is it too optimistic to believe that you will find it? To wait for something that you know might never come or to search for something that maybe isn't even there? In order to know this, you have to grasp the chance. It takes courage to take the first step of a path that might not be the right one. To face the unknown head on. Courage is not something I know of.

All my friends say that I was so brave to ask him to the dance. I don't even know the meaning of that word. All I did was grasp the moment. I thought about it over so many weeks, yet I didn't think about anything. I just worried over nothing. The end result wasn't glorious. They commend me of bravery even knowing this. Is it just for consolation? I wouldn't know, but I know that they didn't mean anything bad by saying it. I'm just somewhat mad; mad that they didn't do anything and were talking about what I did while they did nothing at all. My friend tells me she's there to listen. She says she's experienced with these kinds of things. What does she know? Then again, how would I know that she doesn't know?

I am such a hypocrite; I always tell myself not to think this way, but I end up doing it anyhow. I'm not the only one with troubles in the world, I know that. It's just that when everything has got you down, you can't help but think the whole world is against you and you can't do anything about it. "Brace yourself for reality" is what you try to tell yourself.

People always talk about how their smile is just a mask. I suppose I've been doing that, too. I was hiding behind a smile that was fake. It changed, though, when I went to middle school. There were things that made me smile for real. I remember a friend telling me how she would smile all the time, even if she wasn't feeling that way inside. I really look up to her. She was feeling depressed that time and I couldn't do anything for her.

I was lost, but I think I found my way now. The road which bends and turns can be straight sometime, right? As long as I just keep walking along. Stopping in the middle doesn't do anything, for everything else will just pass you by. I think that's the best way to describe what I'm thinking.

Lyrics coincidentally from what I'm currently listening to. ^^;;
I want to soak in the rain, once again
Never thought, even though courage is lost, I still remain
I want to ask, once again, will you wait or leave?
Jay Chou - Qing Tian

My other friend, the good friend that I get advice from and that I talk to about stuff, was telling me to have more self-confidence. She said having confidence is a good thing. True enough, but when you become over-confident, it's not a good thing anymore. Having low self-confidence isn't good either. I think I abandoned self-confidence a long time ago. It explains why I don't have much faith in myself and what I can do. I guess the depression comes along with it? I'm not sure. I never study hard nor work hard because I think I'll do bad at it anyway. I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say. -.-;; Perhaps it's: "I have no self-confidence. That's it."

Bleh, it's not even eleven and I'm tired. That says much about my speaking nonsense. Sleep-deprived. I got up at seven-thirty this morning because we left at eight-thirty to treat my grandparents to breakfast at this buffet. I didn't eat lunch and went to volunteering. Afterwards, I had pearl milk tea and chicken stuffs. It felt kind of weird having my meals all mixed up. It's just that skipping lunch affects me more than skipping breakfast. Or whatever. I think I'm going to bed before I sputter any more nonsense.

Here's what I memorized for Geography so far:
- The longest river is Shinanogawa.
- Lake Biwa, the largest lake, is in Chiga-ken. (?)
- Okinawa is the southern-most province.
- Naha is the capital of Okinawa.
- Nagoya is the capital of Aichi-ken. (?)

Heh, I wasn't sure for two of those. ^^;; Well, I'll definitely make sure before the actual competition. Oh, during the study session at lunch on Monday, sensei used me as an example because I was eating torayaki, two pancakes with the red bean filling. When she asked and nobody answered, I was scrambling to look at the wrapper. XD

We started journaling in Lit a while ago. Today's journal topic was whether you believed in destined lovers or not. Makes sense, considering that we're reading Romeo and Juliet. I sat in class thinking for a bit. I know I've probably thought of this topic subconsciously sometime in my life, but I've never had a real answer for this question. I don't know what love is. I may never understand it. Is that for the better? Though you won't get hurt, you'll be left bitter and lonely. Loving someone, you'll feel the warmth for at least a short while, even with the chance that it'll go away. I think that if you compare the two, it will end up balanced. Yet you never really know. I finally came up with an answer. However, there was a lot of that answer that I couldn't express in words.

I believe that each person has a soulmate they are fated to love. You may never really know when you first meet them, but I'm sure you'll come to know that that person is your destined lover. However, it may take a while to happen and it takes patience to be able to withstand it. You may see your friends walk away happy, leaving you the only one alone. But you find the perfect person for you in a few years. In that time, there may be people that come up to you and ask you out, but you should not force yourself to like them if you don't. Destiny abandons those not patient, who rush into things that shouldn't be.

Also, love at first sight isn't something I believe in. Liking someone right when you meet them isn't liking them for who they really are. It may be a silly crush, but that's not what I look for in love. I think that you should like someone for who they are and not who you want them to be.